Updates

Clearly my attempts to regularly blog have failed miserably!  I've spent large chunks of the last few months working on my proposal or feeling guilty that I wasn't working on my proposal.  There have been some strange things that have happened over this time.

First, I had some INCREDIBLY good fortune with regards to AERA.  I received a Division J travel grant and I was accepted into the Emerging Scholars program of that division.  For the purposes of debriefing myself on the Emerging Scholars program, I will save that for another post (especially given that I'm at AERA now).

Second, I was approached by a faculty member in the department that I work for and asked if she could be on my dissertation committee.  This woman shall remain nameless here, but there are a few things that caused alarm for me. 1) It's awkward that I was asked to put her on my committee (and not the other way around).  I toe a precarious line with her because I don't want her on my committee, but I still have to work with her until I decide to leave my job.  She's also well-connected to people, so I obviously don't want to burn any bridges.  However, it wasn't a good fit for me, and I hate to find ways to redirect or outright avoid her pushy, pushy scheme to get on my dissertation committee.  Luckily, my chair backed me up, and...

My first choice for the 4th (and outside) member of my committee said yes to serving on my committee!!!  So one of my next blog posts once I get back to San Antonio will likely be the story (and fallout) from telling the woman I work with that she can't be on my dissertation committee.  I'm going to at least take the high road with her and write her a handwritten thank you card that thanks her interest in my committee but graciously declines her offer to serve.  I hope this is far less dramatic than how it's been playing out in my head.

Last thing, I passed my qualifying exams and have permission from my committee to take a break and enjoy a breather before jumping into revisions and going through the IRB process and whatnot.  Since I'm not planning on collecting data until at least August, the break is welcome.  After the last few months, I can't help feeling a bit like this...

I finally have an excuse to use this gif

I admit it--I've been suffering from a mild case of imposter syndrome.  I read through my comps questions and started feeling like half the knowledge I've acquired in the last 2 1/2 years of this program suddenly went out of my brain.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A FRAMEWORK?"  "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT LENS?""UNITS OF ANALYSIS?" "GAH!"

This week, things have started gelling together.  I feel less panicked.  Less anxious.  Wait, is that confidence?  Is there this creeping feeling that perhaps I *DO* have an idea of what I'm doing?

Hence the picture--My. Mind. is. Blown.

Now back to writing...

Getting back into the swing of things

Was my vacation restful?  Absolutely not.  Did I accomplish anything worthwhile school-wise?  Hell no.  Completely waste?  No, it was fine.  Spent some wonderful time with my parents both in El Paso and San Antonio.  Slept in reasonably late for two straight weeks.

Except what is it--that nagging feeling that you're always behind and should be working?  Even now I feel a little guilty writing this...I opened the computer so that I could begin outlining my draft for my proposal.  I've set deadlines for myself that I feel reasonably comfortable with, so I plan to have a solid proposal handed in by the first week of March so I can meet my AERA deadline to approach a fourth member.  I may start looking more and more like the picture come the middle of February.

New attempt at regular blogging

I've started and stopped blogs several times over the last few years.  Forgetfulness has certainly been one reason, a lack of time another.  Perhaps not seeing the point of continuing a third.  I live an overly verbal and communicative life to begin with considering my job, the social nature of my doctoral classes, sharing texts and social media messages with friends, and so forth.

So perhaps rather than taking the approach to blogging that was a line in Julie and Julia ("I could write a blog, I have thoughts"), I thought that having a purpose(s) would help.

I have to say that I think one reason for wanting to blog is this creeping feeling that I've had for about the last month:  that I'm entering the hardest, least social part of the doctoral program.  The hard part I knew--there's a reason why so many students reach ABD status and never finish.  And one explanation might be the loss of the social part of the program.

Considering my program runs on a cohort model, for the last two years, I've had a steady group of friends and classmates that I could count on seeing 1-3 times per week.  We laughed together, drank together, celebrated the end of finals, and many other life happenings.  But then coursework is done, and it feels like I'm being directed to go into a cave and not come out until my dissertation is done.  On top of that, the only people I'll have real contact with are the members of my dissertation committee.

In short, no one really talks about or warns you about the sudden isolation.  The trade-off is, as one of my classmates put it, you get the opportunity to work on stuff that interests you.  That's great and all, but it can still feel a bit lonely.  So perhaps in the way that I would normally complain/gossip/share ideas with my friends in classes, I can possibly do that here as well.

The second reason is to get me to start writing regularly.  I admit that I haven't built the same disciplined habits that some of my friends have with setting aside a specific time each day to free write.  The best way that I know how to describe my own writing habits right now is as vomitous.  Graphic, I know.

My writing habits tend to be the following:
1. Receive a prompt, assignment, get an idea--whatever it is.
2.  Most of the time, I settle on a topic or approach fairly quickly.
3.  Read, read, read.  I have a tendency to overkill this step.
4. Let ideas marinate in my head.
5.  Map out said ideas on napkins, note cards, random spare sheets of paper.
6.  When I go to sit at the computer and write, I tend to have fully formed ideas in my head and have planned the paper/product out already.  So perhaps it's like giving birth--the idea grows and grows in my head, and when it finally comes out, it's full-term.

This isn't necessarily a good thing.  Oftentimes, life gets in the way of being able to get to the computer to write, and nothing promotes writer's block like the panic of looming deadlines. I get stressed, and that stress spills into everything else--my non-writing life, my ability to sleep or relax, and so forth.

My name is Erin, and I need to build better writing habits.  Hi, Erin!

So, there. That's enough for now.

The goal:  Attempt to blog at least once a week as time permits.  I'll consider that my blogging resolution for the new year.